Breakfast tacos suck

In lieu of my regularly-scheduled Sunday Funday post this week, which I’m too brain dead to write, I’m going to share an unpopular opinion: I don’t like breakfast tacos.

Let me repeat that. I, a native of a city that would vote in The Taco as their official animal, slogan, and song if they could, do not like breakfast tacos. 

I do, however, love bagels. I would go so far as to say bagels are the superior convenient breakfast food, ousting all other convenient breakfast foods that have ever existed. Here’s why:

  • The texture of a toasted bagel is superior in all ways to the texture of a tortilla. A toasted bagel provides more crunch than a breakfast taco ever will, even if you fry the tortilla. (While I’m at it: a fried tortilla could break off into tortilla shrapnel and stab the roof of your mouth. Bagels are much less likely to do this.)
  • Bagels don’t retain heat, which means the integrity of the bagel toppings is not compromised. The thing that grinds my gears most about breakfast tacos is that the filling gets so mushy that it becomes one big smoosh of flavors and you lose the ability to tell each component apart. Because bagels function as sandwiches (or open-faced sandwiches) and aren’t a pocket of moist squish, the filling of choice doesn’t ever go mushy. Even leafy green things, like the cilantro you often find inside a breakfast taco, would stay fresh and crisp on a bagel sandwich.
  • Bagels are a more flexible food and can support more flavor (and a wider range of flavors) than a soft taco. The best thing about bagels is that the bagel itself can be any flavor. Feeling sweet? Cinnamon raisin bagel is there for you. Feeling savory? Asiago cheese bagel is ready to get in your belly. Feeling salty? Pretzel or sea salt and rosemary bagels are calling your name, girl. When you go for breakfast tacos, you really only get two options: corn or white tortillas. Pbbbt.Each different flavor of bagel pairs beautifully with a wide range of toppings, too! From classic cream cheese to hearty club sandwich fillings to nacho cheese with jalapeños, bagels support both sweet and savory tastes. The combo of bagel and toppings is basically endless, while breakfast tacos have a distinct line you really should not cross. Who wants to eat a smoked salmon and cream cheese taco, or a berry parfait taco? No one ever.
  • Bagels are a superior in grab-and-go situations. In a hypothetical situation where you’ve got one hand with which to eat breakfast, would you go for the taco? Probably not. You can probably unwrap it from it’s foil container with one hand, but god forbid you try to eat it with one hand. All the filling will fall out the back of the taco and all over your lap/car/keyboard no matter how tightly you fold up the ends of that son of a bitch.Bagels are a single-hand food. Hold bagel, insert end into mouth, bite off, remove bagel from mouth. Done. No fussing with tin foil, no trying to spoon out or drizzle sauce into something. Just eat and enjoy.

    I can hear some of your objections now: “What about when the cream cheese/jelly/other spread comes out the side of the bagel and threatens to drip?” Easily solved. With your one hand, rotate the bagel, lick off the offending drip, and get back to work chowin’ down. No need to two-hand it to try to get the back end of a taco in chomping range.

So there you have it, Austinites. I hate your beloved breakfast tacos. Rain your snark and opinions and hellfire down upon me!! (Or, if you’d like to try some of the tastiest bagels in Austin, check out Wholy Bagel. They’re the best in town.)


One thought on “Breakfast tacos suck”

  1. I feel the same way about breakfast burritos. Why bother. Just eat a regular burrito later in the day and have good breakfast in the morning!

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